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Welcome to the second installment of media mashup. Today’s mashup is Monty Python meets Nicholas Sparks. For those of you who didn’t read last week’s blog, my posts take the idea that if one pop culture reference is good, two has to be better, right?

I’ve always loved Monty Python and their skits and movies. Ridiculous, hilarious, and pretty much any kind of —ous you can think of so long as it involves doubling over, tears streaming down your face laughter. The person that doesn’t snort their drink out of their nose when watching the Black Knight proclaim he’s invincible, in my opinion, is seriously lacking in the humor department.

Conversely, Nicholas Sparks uses his books and movies to make people bawl their eyes out. While I get that not everyone likes the same things, and that’s okay, I don’t understand why you would purposely entertain yourself by being reduced to a snotty, scrying mess. Deep connection, fate, romance, blah, blah, yeah, I hear you. But if Nicholas Sparks could just add a tad bit of Monty Python’s sharp wit, it’s quite possible I would be willing to watch one of Mr. Sparks’ movies and get past the first fifteen minutes. I just can’t end up like this guy…

Alas, I can only assume my suggestion will fall on deaf ears, which leaves it up to me to create a mashup and bring the two worlds together.

Scene: EXTERIOR forest. ARTHUR and PATSY ride up to a bridge, coconuts clip-clopping, to discover a knight dressed entirely in black locked in combat with a knight dressed similarly in green. Swords clash as powerful trumpets herald in the background. Arthur and Patsy come to a stop to watch the battle.

They are evenly matched, fighting with obvious skill. GREEN KNIGHT lunges and the BLACK KNIGHT shoves him back, quickly dispatching the Green Knight by tossing his sword into the slit in the Green Knight’s armored face mask. Arthur and Patsy are equally impressed. They approach the Black Knight.

ARTHUR- “I am Arthur, King of the Britains. You have proved yourself worthy, will you join me?” When there is no answer, Arthur and Patsy exchange a look and move to cross the bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT- “None shall pass.”

ARTHUR- Believes he knows the low voice that comes from behind the black armored faceplate, but shakes off the nagging feeling. “I have no quarrel with you, sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.”

BLACK KNIGHT- “None shall pass. I move for no man.”

ARTHUR- “So be it.”

Arthur draws his weapon and the two fight, weapons clanging. Patsy is heard weeping in the background, fearful his long time companion, Arthur, could fall to the Black Knight’s sword. Swiftly ducking every one of the Knight’s blows, Arthur swings his own down and severs the Knight’s arm from the shoulder. Blood spurts out comically from the socket.

ARTHUR- “Now stand aside.”

BLACK KNIGHT- “Tis but a scratch.”

Once more the sound of the Knight’s voice stirs up old emotions in Arthur. Emotions Arthur believed he’d never feel again, instead burying them deep and taking comfort in others to patch wounds that never quite healed.

ARTHUR- “A scratch? Your arm’s off?”

BLACK KNIGHT- “No it isn’t.”

ARTHUR- “What’s that then.” Points at the arm.

BLACK KNIGHT- “I’ve had worse.”

ARTHUR- “You’re a liar.”

They continue fighting and Arthur slices off the Knight’s other arm.

ARTHUR- “Victory is mine!”

But the Black Knight comes at Arthur again, kicking out with his feet. 

BLACK KNIGHT- “Had enough yet?”

ARTHUR- “You haven’t got any arms!”

BLACK KNIGHT- “Yes I have.”

ARTHUR- Points at the detached arms. “Look!”

BLACK KNIGHT- “It’s only a flesh wound.”

The Black Knight advances, kicking at Arthur with relentless passion. Arthur rolls his eyes and cuts off both of the Knight’s legs.

BLACK KNIGHT- “I’ll do you for that!”

ARTHUR- “What are you going to do, bleed on me?”

BLACK KNIGHT- “I’m invincible!”

ARTHUR- “You’re a looney.”

PATSY- “Arthur, we should go.”

Patsy tugs at Arthur’s arm, but Arthur can’t move. It’s the Knight’s voice. He knows it. Arthur kneels at the Knight’s side and goes to remove the man’s helmet.

PATSY- “Don’t!”

But it’s too late. Arthur reveals the face behind the mask, a face he knew well once upon a time. A face he caressed and loved and covered with kisses as they basked, naked in a field of wildflowers.

ARTHUR- “Laura? It’s you? I thought you dead.”

LAURA/BLACK KNIGHT- (Breathless) “Tis I, sweet love.”

She sags and Arthur cradles her torso in his arms. Blood seeps out of her wounds, wounds Arthur inflicted. Her eyes flutter and a trickle of blood runs out of the corner of her mouth. She’s dying in his arms. His one and only, dying.

ARTHUR- “Laura! No, you can’t leave me, not after I’ve finally found you after all these years.”

LAURA- “I’m so sorry, sweet love. For leaving you, for marrying your brother, for… (coughs) everything.”

Laura closes her eyes and dies. Arthur weeps, cradling her body to his chest.

PATSY- “Well, that was awkward. Can we go now?”

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